Our survival guide for Gooners living in a world where Spurs are brilliant

Five things Arsenal fans can do to maintain sanity at a time when Tottenham are a far superior team...


It had to happen eventually. After years of urging Tottenham to help them climax, the media finally look set to spray their load right in the faces of the Arsenal support with a glee normally reserved for Conservative prime ministers cutting benefits for OAPs.

Yes indeedy folks, we are now through the looking glass to a land where not only are Tottenham in the Champions League while Arsenal dine at the European kiddies’ table, but where they look more likely to win it than Arsenal have in a decade.

Pass me the sick bucket, mine is already full.

Gooners now need to take seriously the notion that Tottenham could do something – beyond finishing second in the Premier League – that’s truly worthy of a DVD. Arsenal fans under the age of 50 have, of course, no experience with this sort of world and it’s easy to wonder how we are all going to cope?

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Spurs fans and supporters in the media have endured so much pent up frustration over Arsenal’s success that the backlash for 20 years of humiliation will bring a tsunami of shit the way of the red part of North London.

Is there any possible way to get out of its path? We set about thinking of ways how Gooners might survive existing in a world where, whisper it, Spurs actually win something big. And here’s what we came up with…

Move to Syria

I hear there’s plenty of open land over there now just waiting to be redeveloped. The evening chorus of gunfire will easily drown out any Tottenham fans, while the destroyed cities will remind you of a time when Spurs were nothing more than a blip on the shit-pile of life.

Worried you might be mistaken for a member of the wrong type of local militia?

Don’t be. Just wear your Arsenal shirt and they’ll know why you’re there.

Hold lobotomy parties for fellow fans

Retro is all the rage, so why not jump on that bandwagon and throw a party to which thousands of Arsenal fans will be begging to get invited. Club together your season ticket or TV subscription money to hire a specialist, set the date, then just sit back and let the good times roll.

With the immediate side effects said to include the lucky fan feeling ‘stuporous, confused and incontinent,’ you no longer have to worry about Arsenal making you piss yourself because it will just become part of your daily life.

A lobotomy is a ‘surgically induced childhood’ and, for most of us, that was a time when we didn’t have to worry about Spurs being any good. Is there no down side to this amazing treatment?

Visit Lacuna Inc.

A trip to Dignitas might be taking things a step too far but why not check out the wonderful services on offer at Lacuna Inc.

For a reasonable price – equivalent to a Club Level season ticket at the Emirates – you can enjoy the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Alternatively, if that’s not your thing, try Rekall, who will implant any memory you wish, allowing you to live in a world where not only did Arsenal win the Champions League instead of Spurs, but the Lilywhites found themselves eliminated from the competition when a meteor hit Wembley with the score still 0-0 against Real Madrid.

Become a Disciple of Dark Lord Trump

Make America Great Again? Hell no: Make Arsenal Great Again, using any kind of ‘truth’ you want.

Tired of listening to people correct you with their ‘facts’? Just use your own with no shame and enough people will believe you that you’ll start to believe yourself.

Look to America, land of the free.

Fall in line behind their Great Satsuma now and, by the end of the season, when it really matters, you will have learned how to appear like a world champion despite being a dead fly on a Tottenham turd.

Embrace Luddism and abandon all modern technology

Put quite simply, Tottenham’s existence cannot annoy you if you don’t have a TV, DVD player, phone, internet connection or electricity. Shun all forms of modern communication and declare even the printing press too modern for your tastes.

Sure, you’ll also have to smash up your friend’s and family’s gadgets too, but it’s a small price to pay to live in a Spurs-free world.

Especially when they’re actually quite good and Arsenal are so diarrhoeic you can’t get the stink out.

Don’t think you can manage without the wonders of modern technology? Then I really do have to question your commitment to the Arsenal cause. You’re probably just a plastic, anyway.

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