Andy Dawson’s ten things we learned from the weekend’s football

The Profanity Swan is back to spare no one’s feelings on the last week’s action...



Liverpool v Man United was dog shit

Hate to say I told you so but, well, I told you so. Phew, but wasn’t it a stinker though?

It stank worse than a pile of skunk corpses that had been dropped out of a plane made from shite on to an abandoned farmyard beside a chemical works on the hottest day of the year.

The worst of it was that United’s expected safety-first plan was well creaky, and Liverpool’s own brand of awfulness denied them what could have been a euphoric home win as the Kenny Dalglish Stand was named.

But no. It stank instead.

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Jose Mourinho is planning his exit strategy

And he’s not even being subtle about it, talking openly and wide-eyed about a life beyond Old Trafford and batting his eyelashes in the direction of PSG and all their lovely, lovely money.

Of course, it could all be one of his infamous psychological ploys – an attempt to get the Glazers to splash some more cash but even if it is and they do, he’ll still be off before too long.

That’s what living in a hotel can do to you – just ask Alan Partridge.

There is nothing Kevin De Bruyne can’t do

The Manchester City wizard is in the form of his or anyone’s career right now, so hand over all the incurable disease data that we’ve got and he’ll probably be able to come up with something in under an hour.

Who knows, he might even be able to explain what that last episode of Twin Peaks was all about.

And Gabriel Jesus too

Shit, he’s pretty good as well. In fact, City are terrifyingly, brutally, exquisitely brilliant right now. There – I’ve almost certainly cursed them now, so place your Champions League group match bets accordingly.

Antonio Conte isn’t arsed any more

Sorry, Chelsea fans, but after the 2-1 defeat at Crystal Palace, it’s obvious there’s a slow puncture happening at Stamford Bridge, and your manager will have made his excuses and left long before all the air has been sucked out of what was a brilliant side last season.

Doubtless he’s got his eye on a return to Italy and some of that Chinese money that is swilling around in the coffers at Inter.

Watford’s managerial strategy has paid off

I’ve been saying for ages now that managers should only get six-month contracts and only stay in their jobs if season ticket holders vote as such.

It would bring some much-needed barmy uncertainness to the game. Watford have been quietly doing something similar, bouncing their managers out after only 12 months in the job and looking for someone better each time.

With Marco Silva, they seem to have taken it up another notch – but would they fire him in May if he gets them into Europe? Or would he get poached by a bigger club anyway?

We don’t know what Arsenal’s aims are any more

What are Arsene’s targets these days – to see how early he can provoke a ‘Wenger Out’ protest? Is he just trolling the Gunners’ fans now?

Spurs’ ‘Wembley curse’ is finally over!

Of course it is. They were playing fucking Bournemouth.

The myriad colours in Andy Carroll’s pony tail are like a poem within themselves

Huh? What more do you want? There’s nothing more to add. Look at it – it’s beautiful, like an Autumn symphony for the eyes. Or something.

Aberdeen are making the SPL interesting again

If he’d been an idiot back in the summer, Derek McInnes could have been running the batshit circus that is Sunderland right now.

But luckily for Aberdeen fans and Scottish football in general, he isn’t, and we’re all praying for a two-horse SPL race for the rest of the season. Next year, he’ll probably be at Watford.

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What do you think?