Watch: One Englishman put in a performance last night and it wasn’t any of Southgate’s duds

93 minutes none of us will ever get back again, but at least someone saved the day….


Weird this, but England away to Malta last night was probably the only game I can remember that actually lived up to expectations – we all expected it to be utter shite, and it absolutely delivered on every front possible! Shit passing, shit shooting, shit tackling, shit tactics, shit touches. Even Ryan Bertrand’s exceptionally beautiful eyes looked shit in Malta.

I mean, who in their right mind calls Jake Livermore up to an England squad and actually starts him?? Surely that young lad who absolutely minced Jack Wilshere should be ahead of him in the pecking order.

Anyway, there’s a saying in football that ‘goals change games’. Well that’s absolute bo**ox because when Harry Kane scored (followed by Welbeck, Bertrand and Kane again), the game was still as crap as it was before any goals. I’ll tell you what changes games: pitch invaders.

How he managed to sit and watch an hour of the match we’ll never know but England fan, Jake Peachey, was the saving grace to fans at the match and on the telly. The ballsy football nut promised to invade the pitch if he got 400 retweets. Cue the responses from the mind-numbingly bored fans.

Some people thought Peachey was full of tripe and called him out:

But Peachey was true to his word. He managed to scale a pretty steep fence before evading a team of security guards and running on to the pitch to huge cheers from the travelling English fans. He even managed a quick cuddle with Marcus Rashford, who in fairness deserved it, for being the only player on the pitch who was semi-decent.

Fans were well impressed, taking to Twitter to thank and applaud him for giving them at least some bit of on-pitch entertainment during the 90 mins.

And if you’re wondering what happened to poor auld Peachey after his on field escapades, he posted an update this morning. Safe home Peachey.

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