Grey vans, Eurotrance and Maggie Thatcher: Deadline Day on Merseyside

The man from the Anfield Wrap is getting rather excited...


There’s just over 24 hours until the transfer window SLAMS SHUT and things are really hotting up in Merseyside. Which, to be honest, makes a change for Liverpool fans as, aside from that time we somehow got £50 million for Fernando Torres, didn’t know what to do with it and subsequently spunked most of it on Andy Carroll, we’ve never really bothered with deadline day.

Normally Liverpool have done their business by now – or, if they haven’t, they just think “sod it, this’ll do, we’ll just play Lucas Leiva again”.

It became an annual event to see a roving Sky Sports presenter standing outside Melwood pretending something exciting might just happen, when all the lights are off behind him and Ian Ayre has long since jumped on his Harley Davidson and gone home.

But it’s a new regime at Liverpool now. Ayre and Lucas have gone and Michael Edwards is armed with a fax machine and some spreadsheets and, thanks to John Henry finally finding his wallet down the back of a sofa, Liverpool look ready to splash the cash.

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Having spent the last two months pretending that we were definitely, honestly, not-even-messing not at all interested in Virgil Van Dijk, the Reds waited until yesterday to reveal we’d had our fingers crossed behind our backs all along and were ready to pounce. The rumours were that Virgil was on his way from Bournemouth airport in a private jet: someone found the supposed flight details, and so many people went online to watch a picture of a plane move slowly north that the live flight tracker website crashed.

Honestly, I know all football fans are mad, but Liverpool fans must be the maddest.

If that wasn’t enough someone got hold of the webcam footage from John Lennon Airport and found a car that looked suspiciously like the one Liverpool used for players on the runway and that confirmed it. Or did it?

Was it the same year Mercedes V Class? Isn’t the front bumper a bit different? Could it all just be a random frigging car?

Honestly the detective work being done by The LFC Family yesterday put the likes of Sherlock Holmes and Inspector Morse to shame. The joke was that if the American government really wanted to find Osama Bin Laden, they should have just started a rumour Liverpool wanted to sign him and he’d have been located in no time.

Then, out of seemingly nowhere there was a huge bid for Thomas Lemar from Monaco, who I’d never heard of two days ago but now I desperately want to sign. From the extensive research I have done (two YouTube compilations of him kicking balls round to a eurotrance soundtrack) he looks amazing.

It looks like being one of him or Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain for Liverpool’s attacking midfield slot. The Ox has endeared himself greatly to Liverpool fans by wanting to leave Arsenal, seemingly rejecting Chelsea and being rubbish against us on Sunday. He now only needs to call Brookside the best soap opera and slag off Maggie Thatcher and we’ll probably make him captain.

As exciting as all this buying is, there is the concern that we are just spending the inevitable Coutinho money. The owners have remained adamant that he isn’t for sale throughout, but that hasn’t stopped Twitter swinging wildly from “He’s definitely not leaving, I’ve just seen him doing a massive shop in The Asda” to “Oh my god Coutinho’s leaving, my mate’s his barber and he just hugged him and said ta-ra”.

I can’t keep up to be honest, and it’s meant to be my job. Liverpool are even buying players for next summer now.

Naby Keita was the one I really wanted.

I’m that invested in him I’ve watched three YouTube videos. Next summer feels like a massive tease though. Like a girl has said she’ll kiss you after school and you think “brilliant, but how on earth am I going to get through double maths now??”

Luckily Liverpool are looking much better than double maths at the moment. In fact, having sold half the team after Watford away, I’m now looking at our squad thinking “Well I wouldn’t mind Lionel Messi, but he’ll have to compete with Dom Solanke for a spot on the bench.”

The wonders of a great win. Liverpool looked rampant against Arsenal and must now be moving into title contender territory, regardless of who they get in the next couple of days. But heavy metal football always has it’s causalities and surely a couple more bodies will help. So strap yourselves in, learn the registration plates of the company cars at Anfield and camp outside Melwood with your butties and flask. The Reds mean business this time.

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