How the Arsenal first XI might look today if Piers Morgan was in charge

In a poll conducted earlier this year, the 3 most popular piers in Great Britain were Brighton, Southend and Blackpool. The least popular is Morgan.


Piers Morgan is a gobshite. He’s fickle, rash and imprudent and he changes his opinions like Leeds United change managers. Morgan, by virtue of his 4.6 million Twitter followers, has become a sort of unelected spokesperson for Arsenal Football Club, but the real problem is that his idiotic opinions make all Arsenal supporters look like twats by association.

One thing Morgan likes to moan about more than anything is Arsenal’s supposed lack of ambition and activity in the transfer market. Over the years, he’s urged Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger to sign all manner of players. We took a look back through his tweets and imagined what the current Arsenal squad might look like in some horrific dystopian nightmare scenario where Piers Morgan had been put in charge of the football club back in 2010.

Here is a first XI based on the players he has insisted Arsenal should sign over the last 5 years, on twitter:


Ali Al-Habsi – Piers demanded that Arsene sign the Wigan keeper during a game in January 2011. Wigan went on to lose the match 0-3, Al-Habsi is now on loan at Reading.

Chris Samba – In August 2011, and on the brink of selling Samir Na$ri to Manchester City, Morgan suggested that Arsenal should spend a portion of the cash on the Congolese giant Christopher Samba. They didn’t sign him, and Samba was last spotted freezing his bollocks off in Siberia.

Giorgio Chiellini – When asked in 2013 to name one defender he would go out and buy, Piers Morgan identified the Juventus giant as his number one target. Relatively speaking, this was actually one of his better suggestions, though signing him may well have stalled the careers of Sébastien Squillaci and Johan Djour… oh.

Scott Parker – Scott f**king Parker? Scott Parker’s career peaked in that McDonalds advert in 1993.

Marouane Fellaini – Linked in the same tweet a Chiellini, these days Fellaini is likely to be found splitting his time between keeping Louis van Gaal warm on the bench at Manchester United matches and picking pubes out of the plugholes at United’s Carrington training ground.

Frank Lampard – When rumours of Lampard’s departure from Chelsea were flying around in 2013, Morgan urged Arsenal to sign him up. Arsenal didn’t, Man City did, and 12 months later, Lampard was sunning himself in New York with Andrea Pirlo. Hardly a long-term solution, was it?

Angel Di Maria – When spotted in a hotel by Morgan’s son Spencer, Piers suggested that Arsenal should sign up the surly Argentinian. Arsenal dodged an estimated £130m bullet and signed Alexis Sanchez instead.

Paulo Henrique GansoCome on #Arsenal – keep @Persie_Official and sign Ganso and mean business. Um, nope on both counts. Ganso has seen his career in Brazil stall in recent years, and Robin van Persie turned his back on Arsenal and Piers Morgan to sign for Man Utd.

Antonio Di Natale – Di Natale was already 34 years of age when Morgan implored Arsene to sign him during the half time interval of a match in 2011. To be fair, nobody could have predicted that Di Natale would still be banging them 4 years later, and besides, you’d have think that even a 38 year old would have put in more effort than Nicklas Bendtner. We’ll call that one a draw.

Radamel Falcao – Back in 2012 whilst Radamel Falcao was being trafficked out around Europe by Jorge Mendes, on his way to Monaco, Piers Morgan bemoaned Arsenal’s lack of ambition in not signing him. Fast forward 3 years and Manchester United and Chelsea supporters are wishing their club had avoided him as well.

Mario Balotelli – In the summer of 2014 Morgan fired out a series of tweets practically begging Arsenal to sign Mario Balotelli. Thankfully Arsene Wenger wasn’t listening, and the burden of Balotelli was passed on to poor Brendan Rodgers. The following season, rather than playing Mario upfront, Rodgers would possibly have been better served by taking a dump on the penalty spot before each game and praying for a few lucky ricochets.

Finally, the manager… Harry Redknapp

It’s well documented that Piers Morgan has been part of the #WengerOut movement since 2010, except on those occasions when he isn’t, and then when he is again, and then he’s not, and then he is, and then all is forgiven, until he wants him out again, until he decides that it’s ok after all.

Back in 2012, Morgan put together his own shortlist of 4 names he would happily replace Wenger with, including Martin O’Neil and best of all, saggy wheeler-dealer Harry Redknapp.


There you have it.  Piers Morgan; Outspoken, usually wrong and always an absolute gobshite.

What do you think?