It’s not easy being Notorious.
A lot of hard work goes into maintaining the vertiginous level of braggadocio required of the modern sporting megalomaniac. But that’s a commitment Conor McGregor is willing to make.
Mystic Mac has spent years perfecting his technique across the full range of disciplines needed to keep him at the top of the publicity tree, and his proficiency in the realm of the press conferences is of particular note.
As a service to all you aspiring pseudo-McGregors out there, we’ve noted down these six easy steps that you can follow in order to ensure you live up to the standards laid down by the master.
1. Establish clearly the identity of all those present
It’s vital to know who everyone is. Knowing people’s names makes them feel important, and will quickly endear you to them.
2. Keep up appearances
Ensure that you are properly attired at all times. Your colleagues will only respect you if you are presentable.
Pro Tip: White fur coats and red polo-necks make for a perfect combo when worn with confidence.
On occasion, it may even be possible to forego the polo-neck, thus allowing increased freedom of movement. Viewers will appreciate the opportunity to study your physique in more detail.
If in doubt, conspire to resemble a hybrid of Deirdre Barlow and Jimmy Savile. This is a very popular look, and should ensure that you remain in the thoughts of all those who attended.
3. If things get tense with another participant, defuse the situation by highlighting the imprudence of them resorting to physical action
4. Reassure your opponent and fans of your financial stability
Being wealthy means you are automatically more trustworthy, more sexually attractive and consequently a better martial artist.
The world doesn’t like poor people and, even if your bank balance is as low as Wayne Rooney’s brow, you should strive to appear as rich as a pâté de foie gras dipped in whipped cream.
5. Express sympathy at your opponent’s struggles with body image
This will establish your credentials as a caring, considerate human being. You may be an egomaniacal sociopath but, if you can feign just enough humanity to avoid comparisons with Travis Kalanick, then you will survive and thrive in this game.
6. Establish a rapport with your colleagues by being tactile. Don’t be afraid of body contact
When it comes to developing a relationship, psychologists often point to the importance of physical contact. Reach out to your opponent and touch them, as this will help them to bond with you.
— UFC (@ufc) July 14, 2017