A Dublin man was rushed to hospital this morning after waking to find his testicles had dissolved in a puddle of sweat.
Ivan O’Baillighs (39) had terrible difficulty sleeping last night due to the drastic increase in temperatures across the country.
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The father-of-two tried everything to get a decent night’s kip, from opening the windows to aiming a portable fan directly at his a*se.
Eventually falling over around 3.30am, O’Baillighs woke this morning to make a startling discovery.
‘When my alarm went off at 7am, I immediately reached down below to conduct my routine morning stock take’, the electrician told Paddy Power News.
‘However, on this occasion it was all meat and no veg’.
‘I threw back the quilt and was horrified to discover my testes had dissolved in a puddle of sweat’. O’Baillighs was rushed to St James’ Hospital where doctors tried in vain to salvage his genitalia.
Head of the hospital’s Specialist Drama Unit, Dr Steph O’Scope told us:
‘As temperatures continue to soar, it’s vital men and women across the country take the necessary precautions to avoid sweating their balls and boobs off’.
‘Draw the blinds, fill a paddling pool with ice in your living room and watch the obscure Olympic sports such as water polo or whatever Eurosport has on until the weather returns to its miserable cold wet self’.
‘If you must venture outside for essentials such as fruity ciders and ice lollies, make sure you douse your fleshy extremities in talcum powder’.
Mist & fog patches clearing this morning, then hot & mostly sunny again today. 😎☀️
Staying dry for most, though there's a chance of a few heavy or possibly thundery showers breaking out in the north midlands & west later. ⛈️
Highs of 25 to 29°C, cooler on coasts. 🌡️🍃 pic.twitter.com/FDeKdWf95o
— Met Éireann (@MetEireann) July 20, 2021
‘And make sure you check in on your red-haired friends. This is a particularly miserable time for them and they should always apply at least four coats of Factor 50 before leaving the house’.
Meanwhile, O’Baillighs told Paddy Power News he’s sort of gotten used to life minus his testicles.
‘There’s less to wash, less to scratch and to be honest she was on my case about getting the snip. Dodged a bullet there’.
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