It probably hasn’t slipped your notice that the coolest cat in football, legendary Italian midfielder Andrea Pirlo, has replaced Maurizio Sarri on the bench at Juventus ahead of the new Serie A season.
Paddy Power sources in Turin understand that Pirlo absolutely smashed his interview with the club’s owners the Agnelli family, and we can now exclusively reveal what went down as the man, who surely has a career in the movies whenever he feels like it, delivered his “Five-Point plan” to try to turn Italy’s most successful club from Champions League also rans to a European super-power.
TRAINING GROUND REFURB
Having brought a selection of fine Italian wines along to the interview, Pirlo got down to business straight away demanding that the club’s training centre in Vinovo and in particular, the manager’s office, be completely redecorated following Sarri’s departure.
Pirlo is understood to have been “disgusted” by the nicotine stains in his new place of work and the fact that nobody had bothered to empty any of the bins that were full of nicotine replacement capsules.
Because of his predecessor’s swift departure following last week’s Champions League defeat to Lyon, Pirlo has also told the club to contact Sarri ASAP to advise him to come and collect the signed Maradona portrait that was hanging on his wall before it gets recycled.
Pirlo has also demanded that he should never have to be further than 50 metres away from a mirror as he likes to “lick himself on the hour, every hour”.
Pirlo is understood to have also told the Juventus hierarchy that players will be expected to copy his own sartorial elegance and will wear club suits whenever they are on duty which will even include turning up for training.
In these uncertain times face masks are a must of course, but Pirlo has explained to his new bosses that he will personally design his own that staff will wear at all times.
The new gaffer is understood to have told the Agnellis that he thinks the new kit is shite but he’ll live with it for a season at least, but there’s no way he’ll be seen wearing a mask that looks like it’s been designed by a five-year old – unless it his own five-year old.
SPITTING IMAGE (RIGHTS)
In a radical shake-up from current protocol, Pirlo has told the club’s paymasters that ALL players will have to give up their image rights because nobody has an image compared to his own.
Naturally, the subject of having to break this news to Cristiano Ronaldo then cropped up in the conversation, but the new boss was adamant that even he doesn’t come close to being the best looking member of staff at the club anymore and that if he wants to buy a new yacht or private jet, then he’ll have to go out and earn it by piling up the win bonuses.
Club legend Giorgio Chiellini on the other hand, a former team-mate of Pirlo’s at both Juventus and the Italian national team, is understood to have come out in total support for his new coach claiming that with a boat as distorted as his, he would actually be better off financially without any image rights at all.
Because Juventus basically controls the Italian sports media, we understand Pirlo has had another clause put in his contract, which states that he will never talk to the press in person or via video link unless he has undergone a full makeover.
This will undoubtedly annoy the hell out of the TV schedulers especially Sky Italia, who up until now have been adamant that they will never be held to ransom by having to reschedule the start time of “Italy’s Got Talent”, to fit in Pirlo’s post-match thoughts.
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Earlier this week, Sky Sport Italia’s most famous football presenter and partner of Bianconeri goalkeeper Gigi Buffon, Ilaria d’Amico, has announced that she will be stepping down after nearly 20 years in front of the cameras citing the need for a change of scenery.
Close friends however, have claimed that the real reason is because she couldn’t bear having to play second fiddle to Pirlo and would find it too distressing to share a TV studio with him.
Sami Khedira and Gonzalo Higuain are NOT in Andrea Pirlo's plans for next season, we can confirm ❌
Juventus are looking to move them on. pic.twitter.com/Ue3y94ZBR4
— Goal (@goal) August 13, 2020
A CUNNING PLAN
The previous four points of are just a smoke screen of course and thanks to our sources in the Bel Paese, we can now properly reveal how Pirlo found himself at the helm of one of Europe’s most famous institutions.
Over the past few months it’s been widely reported that the great man wanted to return to his homeland after spending the past couple of years in the US, so along with his old mate Andrea Agnelli, Pirlo devised a way to get his foot back in the door at his former employer.
The club’s U23 team that plays in Italy’s third tier were looking for a coach, so our two intrepid heroes hatched a plan by offering the job to their former midfielder, claiming that this was the ideal way for him to take his first tentative steps into club management.
With the league all but tied up with a couple of matches to spare, Sarri had been told in no uncertain circumstances that he had to get the Old Lady into the last-four of the Champions League at least, unaware that Pirlo had already been out looking for new furniture for his office.
Last week’s Lyon debacle gave Agnelli the green-light to give football’s most famous chain-smoker the push and let his former player start flicking through colour charts as another new era begins in Turin.