*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column is not written by anyone who could could even pass for a current Premier League manager. Any apparent resemblance to one is purely coincidental.
Dr Dychey (Definitely Not Sean Dyche), come forth and bless us with your bliss-bringing, benificent broadsides…
My team have been suffering on their travels to the continent recently. We’ve had some huge games but for some reason my cheery demeanour and constant rotation of Die Toten Hosen on the team coach is not working like it used to.
What can I do to change the lads’ experience on away trips so we get back to winning ways?
Dr Dychey: Firstly, I appreciate the respect you show in deferring to a good, honest, salt of the earth, hard-working, British gaffer to sort out your woes.
That you can see past the fact that we’ve won once away from home all season, and that our European adventure went as well as a Nigel Farage rally in Brussels, speaks to your open-mindedness and willingness to accept alternative view points.
We might let you stay after Brexit.
As for sorting out your travels, I find the key to travel is comfort. I’ve insisted that we only have the best facilities, the most luxurious coach – it’s one that Gary Barlow used as his tour bus in the past, you could tell by the takeaway wrappers stuck down the back of the seats and the incomplete tax return forms in the glove compartment – and the lads have everything they need on board.
There’s a massage room, a sauna, built-in tablets on every seat where they can watch anything they want – or listen to something besides the postive mantras I have played on-loop.
In fact, maybe I have it a bit too soft for them.
Next time we’re away it’ll be a couple of mini-buses and Ben Mee packing five in his Avensis, egg McMuffins in the services car park and the Eagles’ greatest hits off the cassette deck.
Mix and match to suit your circumstances Jurgen and let me know how it goes…
We’re getting a lot of stick because people have been giving us too much money!? Whoever heard of such nonsense?
If someone is willing to give you a couple of hundred million dollars for something that’s worth a fraction of it, who’s to say they can’t?
And if they’re closely related to you or your business interests, even better!
Whatever happened to free enterprise in this country?
Dr Dychey: I share your frustration with this stifling of freedom Shakey.
As something of a entrepreneur myself, I’m tangled in red tape when it comes to my line of wonder supplements and self-help audiobooks.
“The European Medicines Agency says your energy-boosting pills are unsafe for human consumption Dychey” or, “The fact that your nephew now works a weekend shift in Nandos after listening to approximately 10 minutes of one of your motivational recordings doesn’t constitute ‘scientific evidence’ of their effectiveness Dychey,” believe me, I’ve heard enough nanny-state nonsense to fill at least four 80-minute CDs, made available in a special collectors edition carry-case and ideal for listening in the car or when you’re at the gym…
It’s enough to discommode the chi of the Zen-est thought guru.
But I wouldn’t let it wear you down. Maintaining a postive mental attitude in the face of adversity and the energy vampires who naysay on all your ideas and innovations is an essential character trait in my day job – I mean, have you seen our results lately, flippin’ eck.
And at the end of the day, if you buy up enough of the world’s best players, the elites, the rule-makers, the powers that be, they’ll need you more than you need them.
And then you get your way.
Isn’t that what really matters?