*Dear Dychey is Paddy Power’s Agony Aunt column is not written by anyone who could could even pass for a current Premier League manager. Any apparent resemblance to one is purely coincidental.
Our guru of gritty goodness is back to spin out some sporting succour and solace.
Dr Dychey (Definitely Not Sean Dyche), arise from your throne of transcendental contemplation and deliver your divine wisdom to the perplexed…
I’ve been made to look a bit of a fool. A bunch of overweight lummoxes trampled all over my pitch and left their markings like a hoard of rabid dogs before it was used for one of the highest profile matches in the league.
One player’s even threatening legal action against me for damaging his image because the ball bobbled on him before a tap-in!
How do I restore my reputation as a premiere groundskeeper after this embarrassment?
Saying that, it’s never too late to make change.
I’m partial to bit of horticulture myself when I switch off from daily grind – the way things have been going for us some might say I’m ready for the compost heap – but I think there’s great wisdom in the ancient Chinese proverb “to plant a seed is to hope”.
You’ve got to have a positive attitude like that when you’re still giving Phil Bardsley a game.
With my own plants I often find they respond well to music – the rhododendrons positively radiate whenever I put on Mike and the Mechanics Greatest Hits, don’t ask me why – so maybe you can try a bit of adult oriented rock over the tannoy to cultivate your crop back to full health.
But the best advice I can offer you is to keep doing what you’re doing.
Just because a bunch of lads who are 95% cheeseburger ripped up your pride and joy, that’s no reason for you to feel down.
Plus, you never know, they could be your boss, couldn’t they? Be grateful for small mercies.
I’ve started a new life in another country, it’s all going great, and it’s not even that hot, which helps me avoid scalp burn whenever the weave starts to wear thin.
In fact, I’m doing so well some in the place I used to work may want me back for bit. I’d love to show everyone there I can still do it like I used to.
Should I go back?
Dr Dychey: Life is about the acceptance of loss Waning. Though we may wish to rage against the dying of the light, sometimes that light is just going out.
You have to accept that your time among the best is over.
It’s something I’m facing into with every four and five-nil thrashing we take.
Or look at my hairline, for example. Though my flame-coloured bouffant was the envy of many a follicle-free pate back in the early nineties, I recognised that I could not count on my ginger growth forever, so adopted a strict pre-emptive policy of a tightly shorn scalp.
When the time comes an it’s gone completely, I’ll be ready.
I won’t even miss it.
I suggest you take the same approach in all things. It’s better to leave them wanting more than thinking you’re a washed-up has-been who only looks good now because he’s playing against lads who my mum could turn in knots.
Though if you’re interested in preserving a lush and full head of luxuriant curls, check out the extensive range of supplements available on my website at some low, low prices for short time only…