Ok, we know it’s going to be tough. But we can all get through this if we just follow these seven easy steps.
1) Try your very hardest not to be poor, young, LGBTQ or an ethnic minority.
If you fall into several of these categories, wherever possible avoid speaking to elderly men in bowler hats and, if you happen to encounter a group of fat middle-aged bald men in nineties England jerseys, begin shouting “Take Back Control!” at the top of your lungs.
If you fall into all of these categories, well, we hear Canadian visas are easy to come by these days…
2) Move to the newly rich broadband-haven of Northern Ireland.
Unless you belong to any or all of the groups mentioned in (1).
3) Convert to Christianity at the earliest possible opportunity.
With a deadly duo of Christian religious fundamentalists – and Arlene Foster – now tenuously running the UK, it’s time to abandon whatever other faith system to which you previously subscribed. If you didn’t previously subscribe to any, just roll up to your nearest church and break out the Jerusalems.
It’s time to get Holy.
4) Always convey an image of Strength and Stability.
If you are weak and unstable, you open yourself up to being exploited by predatory Eurocrats, who may attempt to force upon you their unhelpfully progressive modern ways.
5) Add the word “Snowflake” to your daily vocabulary.
You should also learn to recognise the tell-tale indicators that you may be talking to a “Snowflake”. You should feel entirely free to dismiss those who believe in basic human decency and cultural tolerance as “Snowflakes”, without having to worry about trying to see anyone else’s point of view.
Your own sense of certainty in the primacy of British culture is the only argument you require.
6) When negotiating even the most minor of transactions, such as haggling over the price of an aubergine at your local fruit’n’veg stall, remember that No Deal is Better than a Bad Deal.
Even if you desperately require an aubergine, threaten loudly and brashly to walk away if the vendor does not give you the price you want – particularly if they are foreign, in which case simply raise your voice as they are intimidated by loud noises. Remember that your trump card is the phrase “listen mate I’ll leave it thanks”.
7) Attend events such as Wimbledon, the Boat Race and as many Top Gear live shows as you can manage.
Even if the cost of tickets nearly bankrupts you – after all, that’s what short-term lenders are for.
Be sure to take as many photos as possible, and post them on various social media platforms with captions such as:
“Proud To Be At A Truly Great British Event #Winning #Blessed”.
This will establish your credentials as a True Blue Tory, and assert your social superiority over all your neighbours, which will be absolutely vital in the months to come.