The #ITK Alternative Facts Rumour Mill

Our sources say these #ITK "Done Deals" are probably just fake news

By / Football News / 6 years ago

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Are you a bed-bound, disaffected youth with an innate desire for attention?

Is your self-esteem so low that you crave validation from random and usually anonymous people on the internet?

Are you a lonely fantasist with enough spare time to spend hours scouring the web and posting several dozen Tweets per day about your inside info on Forest Green Rovers’ search for a centre-forward?

Have you embraced the “post-truth” world of Alternative Facts and fake news?

If you’ve answered “Yes” to any of these questions, our sources say you may just have what it takes to be an #ITK.

The Infinite Monkey Theorem says that if you give enough primates enough time in front of a typewriter, they’ll eventually come up with a great literary work, and much the same logic can be applied to the babbling horde of social media #ITK tragics. Every now and then, their frantic key-bashing will result in them getting something right. At which point, of course, they will proceed to boast about it for the next eight months and entirely wipe from their memory the previous 800 times they were completely off the mark.

It’s now late June, so it’s very much the time of year when these cloying Walter Mitties come into their own and spam the world with “Breaking News” about who might be Derby County’s next youth-team assistant coach. And so, as a public service, we’re keeping an eye on some of the more deluded denizens of this grotty underworld so you don’t have to.

This Week’s Shite Rumours

Unquestionably, those of you familiar with the #ITK set will be aware of Indykaila. In many ways, he is the Piers Morgan of the industry, a strikingly confident chancer with little in the way of insight, shame or self-awareness. His back catalogue is too extensive and too grating to delve into without developing a nervous tic, but he keeps pumping out the “exclusives” to a captive audience of people who mostly despise him.

This week, England’s Brave John Terry is on the Indykaila radar. But, confusingly, the scoop reporter’s information appears to be a little inconsistent.

This was from last Thursday:

Fascinating stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. But it appears that after a week of hard-nosed investigative work, the situation has changed:

Ah well, not to worry. Even the best get it totally wrong 99% of the time. Still, our traders appear to have taken note after close scrutiny of Indy’s account, and priced Terry to Villa at 4/7.

Perhaps, however, Indy needs to up his game, as there’s a new sherriff in town and we’re certain that he’ll be one to watch. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s Transfer Dave, who has so far shown significant expertise in being completely inaccurate with almost all his predictions.

Dave’s been a bit quiet lately – no Tweets since June 15 – but  we’d welcome him back with open arms on the back of the searing, top-secret information he’s so far shared with us.

Wow, Transfer Dave, tell us more.

Hmm, you can’t get ‘em all right, I suppose. But Dave has many…past…er…successes…to point to…

Oh:

Never mind. Undoubtedly, Transfer Dave is a man who knows when a deal is NOT going to go through.

Ah:

Despite all this, we have great faith in Dave, and we believe there’s more to come from this gifted young prodigy. Twitter tells us that his first post was on June 7, and we’d hate to think that such a talent was lost to the #ITK world after just 8 days in the game.

The final word this week goes to a man who has earned a not-insignificant level of online repute for his bizarre and misguided belief in his own importance to Arsenal FC and the world in general. Yes, it’s goonerclaude, the roaring, incoherent zealot who gained “fame” as a result of his maniacal babbling on Arsenal FanTV but who now appears to regard himself as some sort of authority on the game.

We hesitate to mention him, as we’re sure it will be fuel to the chip-pan fire that is Claude’s delusion of “making it” as a pundit.

But he’s included in this week’s roundup as a result of his firm conviction that Monaco’s wonderkid Kylian Mbappé is on his way to the Emirates. Claude’s unswerving certitude in this instance does not in any way grate, and we sincerely hope this prediction comes through, as we’d hate anyone to end up thinking he’s misguided.

If you think Claude might be right, you can currently get Mbappé to join the Gunners at 4/1 onsite.

 


*All prices correct at time of posting

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